Things That Get in My Way

I have noticed lately that I dislike lots of food, not really based on flavor or texture but because they get in my way of the real deal. I'm not sure if that makes any sense

1. I love sauce. I love meatballs. I really despise meat sauce as I feel all those little squiggly pieces of meat get in my way. This is how I eat pasta. Toss liberally with sauce to coat each and every strand. Cover the whole thing with another scoop of extra sauce and two meatballs, perhaps also a sausage or a spare rib. Douse with romano cheese, parm if that's all you've got, and then some red pepper flakes. Then I like to eat my meatballs and pasta separately. In Italy actually, meatballs are served as "secondi." Spaghetti AND meatballs is totally Italian-American, with emphasis on American. One time, I spent all day lovingly preparing sauce for an ex-boyfriend. I proudly brought him a plate and he proceed to mash my beautiful meatballs into a mush and mix them in. I was appalled.

2. Brownies with nuts in them. Yuck. I like both brownies and nuts but I don't want them in my way, you see. Weirdly, this does not work the same way with cookies. You could throw some chocolate chips, pecans and coconut flakes in the cookie dough and I'd probably love them.

3. Sprinkles. I hate sprinkles. They're completely useless, they serve no function at all except to dress up an already delicious dessert. Why ruin a luscious, creamy ice cream cone with sprinkles? You have to ruin the experience with all these gritty, nasty, flavorless things messing it all up.

4. Noodle of any sort in broth. I hate chicken noodle soup. Now, before ye doth protest, I love everything except those goddamn noodles. I want the rich broth, chunks of meat and vegetables to reign victorious in each bite without a soggy noodle in my way. Lentils with ditalini? Sorry Mom, I don't like it even on New Year's Day. Please do not talk to me about rice either. Gumbo, hold the rice, thank you. The noodle/rice presence is enough to put me off but I abhor the practice of putting said starches in AND LETTING THEM SOAK UP ALL THE BROTH FOR INDEFINITE PERIODS OF TIME. Let me give you an example. At a mythical cafeteria, there was a lady who made marvelous soup. OK, it's at my job, I hope nobody I work with reads this. So they make soup every day here and I respect that. I do not, however, respect bastardizing otherwise delicious soup with stars, rice, egg noodles or whatever, placing it in a heater where it sits cooking away for hours so that residents can help themselves to hot soup throughout the day. That is a mean thing to do to good soup. The noodles get overcooked and slippery and the broth all but disappears.

That's all that I can thing of right now in the "things that get in my way" category. I'm sure I'll thing of other things later and feel free to tell me about things that get in your way, so that I don't feel like a freak.